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Funny old lady

Posted by Waxed on 8:07 AM in ,

All women should live so long as to be this kind of old lady!

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question.

All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

'Mrs. Neely?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'

I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly

'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?'

'Ninety-eight.' she replied.

'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:

'I outlived the bitches.'


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Losing control...

Posted by Kate on 1:36 AM

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Aint SA great?

Posted by Kate on 1:36 AM














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A gift for the elderley

Posted by Waxed on 1:26 AM in ,
This will warm your heart. Just when you have lost faith in human kindness.

Someone who teaches at an Elementary in Thorsby forwarded the following letter. The letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly.

An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today.

Dear Thorsby School:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior
citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Sunnybrook Assisted
Home for the Aged. My family have all passed away and I am alone so thank you for your kindness to a forgotten old lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine but I told her to f*** off.

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,
Edna.

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South African Ghost Story

Posted by Waxed on 2:15 AM in ,

A man was hitchhiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm.

The storm was so strong that he could hardly see his feet in front of

him.

Suddenly a car stopped next to him.

Without thinking, he got in and closed the door, just to realize that

there was nobody behind the steering wheel. The car moved off slowly. He looked ahead and saw a curve in the road. Scared, he started praying, begging for his life. He was terrified. Just before hitting the curve a hand appeared through the window and turned the steering wheel.

The man, now paralysed with fear, watched how the hand kept appearing every time they got to a curve.

Gathering all his courage, he jumped out and ran to the nearest lights

He could see. Wet and in shock, he went into a shebeen and asked for a double brandy. After drinking it, he told everyone of the horrible experience he just had.

Everyone was silent when they realized he was crying. About half an hour later, two men came walking into the shebeen and, on seeing the terrified man, the one said to the other:

"Mfowetu, isn't that the idiot that got into the car while we were pushing it?"


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Cape Town Storm pictures

Posted by Waxed on 5:23 AM in ,
Click on the links below to view pictures of the storm that hit Cape Town this weekened.




http://lesterhein.blogspot.com/2008/09/cape-of-storms.html

http://lesterhein.blogspot.com/2008/09/update-more-2008-cape-town-storm.html

http://lesterhein.blogspot.com/2008/09/update-even-more-cape-town-storm.html

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Beer testing at University of Lesotho

Posted by Waxed on 6:42 AM in ,

Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the
Results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female
Hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer
consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops
contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn
into women.

To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour
period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally.
8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary.


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Man in wheelchair charged with drunk driving

Posted by Waxed on 7:36 AM in
CANBERRA (Reuters) - Police in Australia have charged a man for drink driving in a motorized wheelchair after he was found to be six times over the legal alcohol limit, local media reported on Monday.

Police in the tropical northern Queensland city of Cairns said the man had a blood alcohol reading of 0.31, and was so drunk he was asleep at the controls of his motorized wheelchair in a turning lane of a major highway.

"It beggars belief," Police Inspector Bob Walters told the Cairns Post newspaper, adding wheelchairs, bicycles, horses and skateboards were all considered to be vehicles under the state's road laws.

"It's unlawful, it is unacceptable and people should realize it could lead to a fatality," he said.

Other motorists on the four-lane highway had to swerve to avoid the wheelchair, police said.

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A lesson in Business

Posted by Waxed on 3:33 AM in ,
Rajput wanted to have $ex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else...

One day, Rajput got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a R100 if you let me shag you. But the girl said NO.

Rajput said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. "

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for R200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down."

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his
girlfriend to call.

Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.

She responded, "The b*a*s*t*a*r*d used coins!"


Management lesson: When dealing with an Indian Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

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Sex in the dark

Posted by Waxed on 2:47 AM in ,
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.

Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off
the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.

She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming,
romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated
pleasure device... a vibrator!

Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic.

'You impotent pig ,' She screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to me
all of these years?

You better explain yourself!'

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

'I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids.'

Send this to your good friends and let them have a laugh or else you'll
have a bad sex life forever!!!

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THE INDIAN WITH ONE TESTICLE

Posted by Waxed on 2:52 AM in ,

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was 'Onestone'.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said," If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone." Onestone grabbed her, took he deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

Why?

OH, come on... take a guess!



Think about it


(You're going to love this!)



You can't kill two birds with one stone!!


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Cyanide and Happiness

Posted by Kate on 3:25 AM in
They just never get old, they just get funnier :)


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Italian Boy's Confession

Posted by Waxed on 7:38 AM in

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'
'Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as
well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Volpe?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi,
and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an
altar boy for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers,

'What'd you get?'

'4 months vacation and five good leads.'


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T shirt design for Springleap.com - Bah means no

Posted by Waxed on 5:22 AM in ,
Last week I met Eric Edelstein, the founder of www.springleap.com, a south african online T shirt store that works in pretty much the same way that Threadless does. You can join up, send in your T shirt design and if gets voted to numner one, you'll get R7000 in prize dosh and R2 for every one of your tees that they sell. This sounds like a pretty sweet deal to me, so I figured what the hell- let's enter :) This my entry for May, hopefully it gets a few votes!


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