Folks, Just remember as you read this, this person probably drives AND votes!

And may have already reproduced!!!!!!!!

We all know who gave it to him..

This is an Incredible story!

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.

The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.

He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same fucking elephant.

This is for everyone who sends me those heart-warming bullshit stories.

A guy in a ski-mask bursts into a sperm bank with a shotgun.

"Open the f*cking safe!", he yells at the girl behind the counter.

"But we're not a real bank" she replies, "We don't have any money. Thisis a sperm bank".

"Don't argue, open the f*cking safe or I'll blow your head off".

She obliges and once she's opened the safe door, the guy says

" Take out one of the bottles and drink it".

"But its full of sperm!" she replies nervously.

" Don't argue. Just drink it!" he says.

She pulls the cap off and gulps it down.

"Take another bottle and drink it too", he demands. She takes out another one and drinks it as well.

Suddenly the guy pulls off the ski-mask and to the girls amazement it's her boyfriend.

"Not that f*cking difficult is it?"

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil ...

Satan: 'Why so glum?'

Guy: 'What do you think? I'm in hell!'

Satan: 'Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here.
You a drinking man?'

Guy: 'Sure, I love to drink.'

Satan: 'Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab and Fresca. We drink 'til we throw up and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead
anyway.'

Guy: 'Gee that sounds great!'

Satan: 'You a smoker?'

Guy: 'You better believe it'

Satan: 'All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?'

Guy: 'Wow ... that's awesome!'

Satan: 'I bet you like to gamble.'

Guy: 'Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do.'

Satan: 'Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow.'

Guy: 'Cool!'

Satan: 'What about drugs?'

Guy: 'Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean ...?'

Satan: 'That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who
cares.'

Guy: 'Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!'

Satan: 'You gay?'

Guy: 'No...'

Satan: 'Oooo, Fridays are gonna be tough ...

A letter of resignation from an employee to her boss, who apparently resigned very soon afterwards!

Dear Mr. Baker,

As a graduate of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of my co-workers and me during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time.

Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know how to network computer systems, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the hundredth time.

You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your
shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will.

You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle.

Since this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few parting thoughts.

1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal for you to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is "I prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.

2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your "favourites list", which I conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do believe that terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favourably by the administration.

3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your Mother's birthday," you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts with a sauce bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please; I hate having to
correct your mistakes.)

Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody, and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public.

Never **** with your systems administrator. Why? Because they know what you do with all that free time!

Wishing you a grand and glorious day,

Yours faithfully

################

Gatiep goes into a bar to have himself a cold one.

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the bar and asked," Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?"

Gatiep said it was his.

"Your dog seems to be in heat" the officer said.

Gatiep replied, "No way... She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shady tree."

The policeman said, "No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to bebred."

"No way," said Gatiep. "That dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this morning'."

The exasperated policeman said, "NO! You don't understand; your dog wants to have sex!"

Gatiep looked at the cop and said, "Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog."

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modelling without my clothes on (he'll never know the difference), and I'll return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin.

Why it's important to read the fine print in your contract

Two Mexicans are lost in the desert. They see a tree in the distance. As they get nearer they see it’s draped with rasher upon rasher of juicy bacon.
“Hey Pepe”, says the first man. “Ees a bacon tree, we’re saved!”
Then he runs to the tree but is gunned down in a hail of bullets.

“What happened?” shouts Pepe. With his last breath, his friend shouts “Run amigo, ees not a bacon tree.
Ees a ham bush.”

Click on the pic to enlarge - trust me - it's worth it

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags
over his shoulders.

The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand," answered Juan.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that get off the bike." The guard
takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing
in them but sand.

He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analysed, only to discover that
there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.

The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the
man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"

"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain
nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the
border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally,
Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in
Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's
driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between
you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

Classic - Jaco Zuma is the missing Ninja Turtle

A third grade teacher came in to the room one day and found a drawing of A p*Nis on the blackboard.

She suspiciously looked at her students but didn't say anything.

Instead, she rubbed it off.

The next day, she came in and saw another drawing of an even bigger P*Nis on the board.
She frowns and rubs it off.

The third day, she came in and saw another p*Nis drawn on the board.

This time, it's huge, covering up almost half of the space she couldn't take it anymore so she screams out to the room full of noisy children,

"Why do you kids like drawing this p*Nis on the board? And why is it Getting bigger each day?

Little Johnny then screams out back to her, "The more you rub it, the Bigger it gets..."

See Bizkit the sleepwalking dog do his thing.

I love the look on his face at the end - "Where the hell am I?"

The President of the SA government announced the date for elections: Wednesday 22 April 2009.

He couldn't have picked a worse date if he tried.


Not only is it a Wednesday, but he selected the only week in April that was until then a full working week.

So far we have public holidays on 10th, 13th and 27th April, not to mention 1st May. Now add 22 April and the traditional "National Productivity Week" from 27th April to 1st May, becomes National Productivity Month, from 1st April to 1st May.

That's 17 working days in a month. Can you guess when I'm scheduling my leave for?

I understand how scissors can beat paper, and I get how a rock can beat scissors, but there's no fucking way paper can beat rock. Is paper supposed to magically wrap around the rock and leave it immobile? Why the hell can't paper do this to scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college rules notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they take notes in class?

I'll tell you why:

Because paper can't beat anybody. A rock would tear that shit up in 2 seconds. When I play rock paper scissors, I always choose rock. Then, when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say 'oh shit - I'm sorry. I thought your paper would protect you, you asshole.'

Not for sensitive viewers

What happens when Batman and the Joker hang out.

Batman: It smells like Updog in here.
Joker: What's Updog?
Batman: No much man, what's up with you?
Joker: ....

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.