Jacob Zuma, Shabir Shaik and Julius Malema are flying on the Presidential jet to a gathering in Cape Town when Shaik turns to Zuma and says, chuckling,

'You know, I could throw a R1000 note out the window right now and make someone very happy .'

Zuma shrugs and replies, 'Well, I could throw ten R100 notes out the window and make ten people happy.'

Not to be outdone, Malema says, 'Well I could throw a hundred R10 notes out the window and make a hundred people happy.'

The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, 'Such arrogant jerks back there. Heck, I could throw all three of them out the window and make 52 million people happy.

Click on the pic to enlarge - trust me - it's worth it

Classic - Jaco Zuma is the missing Ninja Turtle

The President of the SA government announced the date for elections: Wednesday 22 April 2009.

He couldn't have picked a worse date if he tried.


Not only is it a Wednesday, but he selected the only week in April that was until then a full working week.

So far we have public holidays on 10th, 13th and 27th April, not to mention 1st May. Now add 22 April and the traditional "National Productivity Week" from 27th April to 1st May, becomes National Productivity Month, from 1st April to 1st May.

That's 17 working days in a month. Can you guess when I'm scheduling my leave for?

ORIGINAL VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Be responsible for yourself!

MODERN VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

SABC1, 2 and 3 show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. The world is stunned by the sharp contrast.

How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Good Morning with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green.'

Demonstrations are held in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, 'We shall overcome.'

TV commentators explain that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and there are calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.

Finally, the Government drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer.
The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government and handed to relatives of the grasshopper.

The grashopper instigates a lawsuit against the ant, and the case is tried under the watchful eyes of the trade unions.

The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighbourhood.

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Be VERY careful how you vote in 2009!!

A farmer named Van was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in the Karroo when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young black man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the farmer , 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?'

Van looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers; 'Sure, Why not?'

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .

Within mere seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data is stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the farmer and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Van .

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Van says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'

'You're a Member of Parliament for the ANC’ says Van .

'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

'No guessing required.' said Van . 'You showed up here uninvited, you want to get paid for the answer I already know to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are yet you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. . . .Now give me back my dog.

A stranger was seated next to a little black girl on the airplane when
the stranger turned to her and said,

"Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a
conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just opened her colouring book, closed it
slowly and said to the stranger, "What Wouid youl like to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger.
"Since you are a Black, do you think that So-called President Elect -
Barack Obama is qualified for the job?" and he smiles.

"OK", she said. "That could be an interisting topic. But let me ask you
a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass, Yet a deer
excretes little pellets, While a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse
produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, "Hmlmrn, I have no idea"
To which the little girl replies,

"Do you really feel qualified to discuss President Barack Obama... when
you don't know shit?"

'The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country.'
- George W. Bush

'If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.'
- George W. Bush

'One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.'
-George W. Bush


'I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.'
- George W. Bush

'The future will be better tomorrow.'
- George W. Bush

'We're going to have the best educated American people in the world.'
- George W. Bush

'I stand by all the misstatements that I've made.'
- George W Bush

'We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe . We are a part of Europe '
- George W. Bush

'Public speaking is very easy.'
- George W. Bush

'A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.'
- George W. Bush

'I have opinions of my own --strong opinions-- but I don't always agree with them.'
-George Bush

'We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.'
- George W. Bush

'For NASA, space is still a high priority.'
-George W. Bush

'Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.'
-George W. Bush

'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.'
- George W. Bush

This test has only one question, but it's a very important one. Please don't answer it without giving it some serious thought. By giving an honest answer you will be able to test where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation, where you will have to make a decision one way or the other. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

You're in Zimbabwe ... near Kariba, to be exact. There is great chaos going on around you, caused by an unpredicted hurricane and severe floods. There are huge masses of water all about you.

You are a Daily News photographer and you are in the middle of this great disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot very impressive photos.

There are houses and people floating around you, disappearing into the Zambezi River as it roars through the gorge. Nature is showing all its destructive power and is ripping everything away with it.

Suddenly you see a man in the water - he is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken away by the masses of water and mud. You move closer.

Somehow the man looks familiar. Suddenly you know who it is.......it's Robert Mugabe!

At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him away, forever. You have two options and no time to lose. You can save him or you can take the best photo of your life. You can't do both.

So you can save the life of Robert Mugabe....or you can shoot a prize winning photo, a unique photo displaying the death of one of the world's most notorious leaders.

And here's the question (please give an honest answer):

Would you select colour film, or rather go with the simplicity of classic black and white?