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Burn a Vista CD

Posted by Waxed on 6:05 AM in

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The South African Elections

Posted by Waxed on 6:02 AM in ,


The President of the SA government announced the date for elections: Wednesday 22 April 2009.

He couldn't have picked a worse date if he tried.


Not only is it a Wednesday, but he selected the only week in April that was until then a full working week.

So far we have public holidays on 10th, 13th and 27th April, not to mention 1st May. Now add 22 April and the traditional "National Productivity Week" from 27th April to 1st May, becomes National Productivity Month, from 1st April to 1st May.

That's 17 working days in a month. Can you guess when I'm scheduling my leave for?



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Rock, Paper, Scissors

Posted by Waxed on 4:27 AM in ,
I understand how scissors can beat paper, and I get how a rock can beat scissors, but there's no fucking way paper can beat rock. Is paper supposed to magically wrap around the rock and leave it immobile? Why the hell can't paper do this to scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college rules notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they take notes in class?

I'll tell you why:

Because paper can't beat anybody. A rock would tear that shit up in 2 seconds. When I play rock paper scissors, I always choose rock. Then, when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say 'oh shit - I'm sorry. I thought your paper would protect you, you asshole.'





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Motorcycle accident in suburban neighbourhood

Posted by Waxed on 1:08 AM in

Not for sensitive viewers

2

Batman and Updog

Posted by Waxed on 2:21 AM in , ,
Batman tells the Joker that it smells like Updog in here
What happens when Batman and the Joker hang out.

Batman: It smells like Updog in here.
Joker: What's Updog?
Batman: No much man, what's up with you?
Joker: ....


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5 Rules for men to have a happy life

Posted by Waxed on 2:12 AM in ,
1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

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The Ant and The Grasshopper (or Why You Shold Vote in 2009)

Posted by Waxed on 6:42 AM in ,
ORIGINAL VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Be responsible for yourself!

MODERN VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

SABC1, 2 and 3 show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. The world is stunned by the sharp contrast.

How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Good Morning with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green.'

Demonstrations are held in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, 'We shall overcome.'

TV commentators explain that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and there are calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.

Finally, the Government drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer.
The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government and handed to relatives of the grasshopper.

The grashopper instigates a lawsuit against the ant, and the case is tried under the watchful eyes of the trade unions.

The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighbourhood.

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Be VERY careful how you vote in 2009!!

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Hell - a scientific explanation

Posted by Waxed on 2:04 AM in , ,

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.

The answer by one student was so “profound” that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until
all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, “It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,” and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct……leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting “Oh my God.”

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.


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The Ruling Party

Posted by Waxed on 2:41 AM in ,
A farmer named Van was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in the Karroo when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young black man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the farmer , 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?'

Van looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers; 'Sure, Why not?'

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .

Within mere seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data is stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the farmer and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Van .

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Van says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'

'You're a Member of Parliament for the ANC’ says Van .

'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

'No guessing required.' said Van . 'You showed up here uninvited, you want to get paid for the answer I already know to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are yet you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. . . .Now give me back my dog.

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